Five Girls One Box

So, before I open it, what does this black box make you think?

 

"It looks like a GHD box." Says Freya, unimpressed, nose wrinkled toward me and the box. "Which is exciting, if there are no hair products in there, I'm going to be disappointed."

Drinks in hand, full on carbs and ready for a night out; last Saturday I invited four friends, copious amounts of rum and a feminist agenda into my chilly little London flat. All to pass judgement on a 'Smut Box'. 

Smut Boxes is a subscription service, offering quarterly deliveries of adult fun; sex toys and from what I've gleamed so far; velour... With an option of two levels of 'smut', firstly the 'Tease Box', the tamer of the two, designed to add a little excitement into your bedroom. It's marketed at couples hoping to 'spice things up' (a phrase I promise never to use again - sorry) and discover new sex toys and ways of enjoying themselves and each other. The slightly more 'hardcore' box is the 'Smut Box'. This is the one I and my friends had the... pleasure of reviewing. This one's aimed at "the couple who think they already have it all." So, I'm probably correct in assuming, this is the box that will give you your best sex ever. Right?

In a world where, for a postage and packaging fee, we can expect anything to arrive on our doorsteps, it's unsurprising that initiatives such as Smut Boxes continue to pop up (pun intended- expect more). With the idea of catering to a generation who's laziness can almost never be underestimated: Group messaging flatmates from the next room and settling for avo on toast for the third night in a row - because, it's healthier than Nutella straight from the jar. Smut Boxes not only offer thrills in the mail, but also abolish any possible trauma experienced whilst visiting that overbearing pink nebulous known as, Ann Summers. Conveniently shielding us from the type of fear that can only come from entering those black holes on Soho side streets. You know? The ones with the gimp masks in the window. For me, I'm never really afraid of walking into the sex shop, it's the worry that I'll emerge 15 minutes later, empty handed; wondering when I became so vanilla. 

For those unsure where they stand on nipple clamps and latex, Smut Boxes, seems like a nice little guided tour. However, riffling through my very own box of adult fun on a Saturday night, I begun to wonder, is this really the helping hand we need to discover our own sexuality? Is it all just a bit of fun wrapped up in a sinfully suggestive black box? Or are we breeding, not only laziness, but further insecurities? Containing our fantasies into little boxes which arrive every three months? Because, maybe, that's where they belong... 

 

...Back to Saturday night 

From right to left Smut Boxes reviewers: Me (Hayley), Polly, Baby Holly (or just Holly), Sarah and Freya. We were kind of hammered... and Holly does have arms. 

"Smutty, it sounds like something my Gran would say!"

"No it sounds quite grubby. I feel dirty." 

"I feel like we're at an Ann Summers party!" 

"Oh a friend of mine had one at her Nan's flat. There weren't very many of us and we were all about 16. It was a bit awkward really." There's silence as we all no doubt try to picture the cringey combination of floral drapes, doilies and sex toys. "Her Nan wasn't in!" Holly finishes off. For some reason this provokes me to pipe up with "I went to a Tupperware party once with my Mum!" I've never been much of a story topper...

 

The Tickler - 7" black... RRP £5

"Is it extendable?" asks an excited Poppy, she's from Essex like me and giggles when I reply,  "Oh, I hope everything in here's extendable!" (lame pun number two - I'm just not great on rum...) 

"A duster?!"

Holly dives in first and gleefully holds up the black feather wand. "Ok Holly, what are you actually holding?" I ask attempting rein in the group. 

"A feather duster." 

"No, what does the label say?"

"Ok this is feather tickling... thing. It says sport on the label but I don't trust that as an indicator of it's use." Reaching over to Poppy, who understandably recoils, as the black feathers are waggled in her face. 

The Tickler from Mischief Sex was not extendable, and if I'm honest, quickly discarded. I mean, if a group of tipsy 20somethings, eager to riffle through sex toys couldn't get it up for The Tickler, I have a feeling the average couple, with more... exciting tools at their disposal are also going to move on pretty quickly. And as Sarah noted, it'd probably just sit in your room collecting dust. NEXT! 

0/10 Nul Points for the Tickler

 

 

Quickie Cuffs RRP £9

Looking a little like an apple product, sleek, rubbery and efficient: The major selling point on the box boasted 'No keys to lose'. Hot... Sarah and Freya quickly slipped them on. Like really quickly, eagerly, without being asked to. I think this is why they're my friends...

"Lets do a tug of war!" Exclaimed Sarah.

After discovering the Quickie Cuffs were not only sturdy but also stretchy the girls decided they had a little more potential than The Tickler. We agreed we'd consdier using them in the bedroom because after all, if your flatmate did ever find them, they could almost be passed off as some new apple charger, cable, thing... almost. 

6/10

 

Crush Boo Mini Vibe RRP £21

Probably the most adult thing in the box, whilst I unpackaged and proceeded to fiddle around with batteries until roughly next year, the girls begun to pass judgement. 

"I don't know, that bit's well pointy!"  said Freya. 

"Yeah, I don't think that's the end you're suppose to... use." I giggled, trying not to judge my innocent blue eyed friend, as the vibe buzzed into life.

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"It's going it's going!!" trilled Holly, possibly a little too excitedly, considering the extremely gentle vibration now purring in my hand.

"Try it on your nose!" she directed. 

Obediently, I did, whilst being informed that if I sneezed it was probably a really good one and I would probably have an orgasm. Probably. I didn't sneeze. In fact at that moment the little blue vibrator sort of gave up. 

"It's very quiet" noticed Sarah.

"Which is definitely a good thing! We live in a very tiny flat!" said Freya. 

"No guys, I think it's dead."

The excitement died along with the mini vibe, as I tried and tried again, to get the small blue tube to work. Originally we'd all approved of the texture, shape (once we'd worked out which end went where), colour and discreetness of the mini vibe. But the lifeless little toy was a bit of a buzz kill. (Awful awful pun - at least I'm consistent!) 

4/10 (It Broke!)

 

Sex & Mischief Doggie Style Strap RRP £14.99

So this was the biggest thing in the box, so by all accounts, should have been then most exciting.

"Hold up, guys, we've been doing it wrong!"

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The Doggie Style Strap is a sort of eye mask type deal, designed to aid in, you've guessed it; the doggy style position. With elongated straps either side of a very fetching pink velour band, which allows your guy (or girl) to harness you around the waist, whilst you take on the on all fours position. I mean if anything screams sexy it's velour, am I right?

"But what's the point? Wouldn't he just want to hold onto her?"

"Yeah why does he need some kind of industrial looking eyemask?"

 

 

"He's got his penis inside her! He already likes her enough to touch her a bit..."

 

So needless to say we weren't impressed by the Doggie Style Strap and, although Holly and I dutifully demonstrated to the group, how it might work (yep) we decided this was a resounding waste of money possibly a bit of a germy waste of velour! As if that was ever a possibility.

 

0/10 "I mean, imagine the sweat that's going to soak up!"

 

 

The final things in the box were condoms,

which read "Never go in without a skin!", on the label. (Oh, you ever classy passion killers, you.) A 'Tickle Her G-Spot Arousal Gel' sachet, which we remain sceptical of, for as Freya pointed out; "if a 20something human man has trouble locating it, how the heck is a gel going to find it's way?" Well yes, good point. And Finally, with a throwback to the 90s and our misguided teenage fumblings, good old fashioned lube! Cherry flavoured lube no less! And yes we taste tested:

 

"It's a bit like a medicine I had as a kid" said Sarah.

 

Sexy? 

 

So, Smut Boxes... This product and service kind of makes me want to say 'A for effort'..? It's a fun idea, receiving sex toys in the post, what's not to love? Well as it turns out, the sex toys, unfortunately. 

Ultimately for what we received the price was too high (£40 a box or a rolling subscription of £45) and our level of excitement and anticipation just wasn't met. So for now, I think the 'Five Girls One Box' team will be sticking to the high street or just keeping it analogue when seeking future thrills. 

However, the box did get us talking, giggling and throwing our opinions around. Sex is a huge part of our adult lives whether we're getting it or not. But for so much of the conversation, the whole topic can be steeped in myth and anxiety, over unattainable perfections. 

Anything that provokes honesty, liberation and fun when it comes to sexuality and our bodies has to be a good thing. But right now I'm happier keeping my sex outside the box. (Come on, I had to!)

 

To find out more about Smut Boxes, subscribe or order one off boxes for yourself or friends click here.