So Said The Expert

The way we consume information is changing, it’s been slowly happening since the Internet was born. Scarily this coincides with the time that I began discovering and asking questions outside of the reaches of Mum and Dad. I’ve never picked up a reference book, I don’t own a dictionary and I rarely buy a printed newspaper.

Most of the things I need to know are available to me at the click of YouTube, a scroll of twitter and the discovery of a blog space.

The people now teaching me are like me. The information they’re telling me is filtered through the sources I’ve not yet reached. A lot of them call themselves Experts in their field. But if I’d gotten there a day or two earlier would I be an Expert too?

The word ‘Expert’ what does it mean?

Oxford define an Expert as:

 

Noun: A person who is very knowledgeable about or skilful in a particular area:

‘an expert in health care’

‘a financial expert’ 

Too bad Oxford never thought to classify ‘Dating Experts’

So much of my Twitter feed and the books that I read (for research, I promise) are written by people proclaiming to be ‘Dating Experts’.

Now dating is my sport, but largely I’ve largely side slipped the ‘Experts’, preferring to take on a more trial and error dynamic when dating and writing. But, when I spotted Matthew Hussey he seemed to come pre-approved and wrapped up in logic. Well, it was certainly more than his blue eyes which drew me to his website.

Mathew Hussey, handsome with swept back hair and designer stubble is depressingly young to be an Expert in anything, let alone matters of the heart, at only 27 years old. Matthew, actually an Essex boy from my neck of the woods, has an accent that sometimes suggests he’s from somewhere a little more sun drenched than the grey boarders of London. And goodness, he is always smiling!

His methods seem to be largely common sense, mainly focusing on the goal of meeting more men and reminding women that dating is in fact a numbers game. I’m on board, Matthew let’s do this! Let’s ‘Get The Guy’ as your own dating book promises.

With a background in coaching men in the dating game he claims to hold that rare privileged position of being able to see the story from both sides. If we choose to imagine that there even are two separate sides to the dating world.

Mathew Hussey is such a stud of a ‘Dating Expert’ that he can even boast to have coached celebs on finding love. And, because he has simply become so sort after as a ‘Confidence Coach and ‘Dating Expert’, Mathew now fills arenas touring the world telling women how to find love. Matthew claims he can tell you what you’ve been doing wrong and how you can get any man you want by changing your behaviour. And, Matthew doesn’t only teach you how to change, but he can perform miracles. He claims he can teach you to change your man!

Doesn’t this sound dreamy?

Well I almost thought so too and so I was intrigued. Matthew’s methods promise amazing results and for a self-proclaimed Dating Guru to actually be world renowned as just that, I decided there must be something to learn.

It began gentle.

Clicking the link to Matthew's website I was greeted with the opportunity to get daily advice in email form from Matthew, helping me each day to be more effective in ‘Getting the Guy’ when dating. These are actually called ‘Email coaching sessions’. It is good to note the language here. The word 'sessions' implies value to the free emails, it’s as if I will go through a process of something structured, designed to help me. Clever.

The first step is finding ‘him’, an email entitled ‘How to Find Your Ideal Man in 5 Steps ’. Excitement brewing! Just 5 steps?! I skip to the bottom of the email and watch Matthew’s first video… I mean coaching session.

Step 1 – Ask yourself, where is my ideal guy on the weekend?

I like it so far Matthew. Obvious but a surprisingly forgotten step for many singles.

Step 2 – Integrate more men into your peer group.

If possible this seems even more obvious. I’m on board still. ‘Guys have guy friends’. ‘The guy you know directly might not be your ideal guy, but he’ll have friends… who might be’

Step 3 - Start being a social animal in EVERY area of your life

Ok, I’ll admit I hadn’t thought of this. But it makes sense. If you go out and start talking to people like, the guy who serves you coffee, door men at night clubs, the person on the train reading an interesting looking book, you become more approachable looking. You also get to practice breaking the ice. So when you meet a guy you really want to break it with, you’re ready.

Step 4 – Get outside your comfort zone.

Yes! And after step 3 you should be ready to do this. The basic message here is expanding your horizons not only means your confidence grows but so do your connections. You do more stuff you meet more people. Bada Bing, Bada Boom!

Step 5 – Awareness.

It’s certainly true when Matthew says here that; ‘most people walk around in comma’. Everyone’s glued to their iPhones and this rarely gives opportunity to meet anyone new. Here Matthew wants you to find little ways to connect and so, obviously if you’re dong this, you’re bound to meet new people. New people, new relationships.

 So far I love this simple approach. I’m in. So in that I start to delve a little deeper. Then I find this…

Attract Any Man

This video is designed to sell you online coaching with Matthew. Coaching that I later find out is ‘Guaranteed success in 30 days or your money back’. That is you’re guaranteed to find ‘The One’ within 30 days. This seems to good to be true.

We start off by learning 8 magic words to make any guy do what you want. Eventually…

 

‘I could really use your help with something’

 

Ok Matthew that makes sense. Brilliant. I know first hand that I have often found myself complaining to male friends about my day and then found that suddenly they’re dying to find me solutions, without me even uttering the word 'help'. Men do seem to like to be problem solvers. You’re right Matthew, it’s just that often women don’t want to be helped, they just want to be heard.  None the less a good tactic.

This presentation is lengthy and you have to sit through a cringe worthy picture of a fairy tale painted by Matthew before he gives you any useful advice.

But then I tune into the language: ‘Make any guy do what you want’. Really, if you have a spare hour of your life, listen to the audio on this link. As the video rolls on the language begins to drip with the promise of manipulation techniques, rather than dating advice.

Phrases are tossed around such as: ‘Have him wrapped so tightly around your little finger’ and perhaps more worryingly ‘You can get him to do anything you want, including changing his behaviour’.

Now Matthew is aware that these phrases are controversial which is why he makes you swear to the empty room while you’re listening,

 

‘Matthew, I promise not to use the for evil.’

 

The whole presentation tumbles into a bizarrely hard sell. I thought Matthew Hussey was a world renowned Expert, why is he using second hand car salesman tactics, telling me things like: ‘You can’t waste another day, week or year alone! Without your Mr Right!’ (Yeah because every single girl out there is wasting her time.)

Then there’s the astonishingly bad mathematical statistics: ‘If you’re thinking of leaving this video right now I have to warn you. Your chances of getting Mr Right will decrease dramatically.’ Is this statistically true? I mean he already gave me some free advice. If was at zero at the start of this (very long) presentation and then I was increased by say, 10 with the information I’ve already learnt, if I close down now and don’t download do I somehow go to minus 10? That’s bad math Matt. Can I trust a dating expert with bad math?

The final bizarro part of this pitch was the price, which seemed to take Matthew until next year to reach. I was told the online coaching will cost $197, oh no wait Matthew is not happy with this… Ok industry professionals (whoever they are) tell him that no less than $97 is acceptable. Oh no he joops me again it’s now $67… what’s with all the 7s? But wait finally he comes in with $29.95. Surely this should be $27.97 but ok, thanks Matt.

There seems to be a lot of good sense here in practice but I can’t help but feel the language is just damaging. It pits men and women against one and other. But, when Matthew feels as though he’s gone too far he draws it back and tells his female audience that; ‘of course some MALE Journalists have given him bad reviews for these techniques ’. One, Matt says even wrote that the; ‘techniques seem to turn men into dogs’. Well yeah I’m with him. Oh wait, then Matthew cuts the Journo down by telling me he’s ‘obviously insecure’.

The Jury is out on Matthew Hussey and the wave of ‘Twitter dwelling’ ‘Dating Experts’. There are some interesting lessons, but I would always air on the side of caution when paying someone for their advice. What are their credentials? Who else agrees that they’re an Expert?

I agree with the basic sense of Matthew Hussey’s approach to finding love, which you can read in his book ‘Get The Guy’. There’s nothing ground breaking here and it mostly comes back to the fact of needing to meet more men. The more shit you throw…

One piece of advice however that I am yet to read from any Expert is something that I’ve just found to be true, through the trial and error method.

 

If it’s right, it will be easy

 

Trial and error brought me to where I am, it made me, me. Without experiencing the things which I didn’t want in relationships I think I would have found it significantly harder to recognise what I did want.

This small piece of advice doesn’t apply to a lot of things in life, but in love, I think it’s useful to bare in mind.

Did you ever meet a friend and find that it was really hard to make the relationship work? No. Because that person didn’t become your friend, they were just another person.

Romantic relationships are the same. I mean the only real difference between my most successful relationships and those with my best friends is sex. So if the being together part is easy, the chances are you will stay together. Perhaps you need a little nudge in the right direction to find him, but once you’re there I don’t believe in manipulation or playing tricks. Being you and enjoying them should be enough, and then the rest is easy.

Dating and relationships aren’t the most important things in my life. I think this was something that put me off of Matthew’s hard sell. The suggestion that every woman’s goal is marriage. I prefer to think of marriage as a side effect of being in love. A thing that happens because. Not an end goal when the players haven’t even been confirmed.