How many moves does it take to get a girl into bed?
So, It turns out, not very many. That's actually the answer to that little puzzler boys have been busting their balls over (pun intended) since the dawn of time!
Well, at least it didn't take too much ball busting from my date the other week to put the moves on me.
Now before you yell 'SLUT' hear me out. And before I tell you the 'connection' was just too strong let me go back to the beginning, not so many moves ago, and explain.
It was your average 2:30am on a Saturday night. I'd been out, watched some comedy got a little tipsy, gone home to an empty flat and felt a little, just that, empty. So what do we do when loneliness strikes boys and girls?
All together now:
I began swiping my way through: 'No, no, no, is he serious? No, no, ha! Dic Pic! No, oh, hang on...'
Big Smile Skinny Legs was not my usual type but he did look like a lot of fun, and maybe that was the point, my usual type hadn't really worked out so great; it was 2:30am and I was on a dating app.
Back to 'no, no, no, oh I know this guy from school...'
"Congratulations! You have a new Match"
Then, Message: Big Smile Skinny Legs! Straight in with a joke! A little smug I thought; 'I must have been right about this one.'
8 quick fire late night messages later and I receive the following?
BSSL: Do you ever drink coffee?
Me: Are you inviting me for a drink, or is that a cliche innuendo for sex?
BSSL: Angel tube station, 11am, tomorrow. Dress pretty.
I didn't even reply, but the next morning there he was, leaning against the station exit, Angel, 11am.
He was wearing jeans but I recognised him from his smile. Big.
Suddenly we were deep into conversation, favourite breakfasts, our dislike of tourist chains,secretly knowing the lyrics to most tailor swift songs. Flying down the pavement we'd skipped the awkward 'Hello handshake hug kiss on the cheek it's nice to meet you did you come far how was the tube?'
It was as if Big Smile Skinny Legs and I were old pals: Breakfast plans laid weeks in advance in anticipation of mass overdue catch up.
Over French toast and cappuccino I got a chance to study him.
Not typically handsome with wide eyes which matched his enthusiasm and blonde hair which flopped a little as he nodded along to what I thought about Tarantino's 'True Romance'
After too much coffee we slipped out into the hot summer of North London. Apparently it was time for a 'tour'.
Big Smile Skinny Legs slipped his hand into mine with a squeeze and a grin. I immediately let go.
"You're a stranger! I can't hold hands with a stranger!"
Now it's not that I didn't like him, I actually thought that this was pretty darn cute, but it was also...odd! Holding hands is an intimate act I would usually postpone until at least date 7 or 8, and definitely never before learning the holdees surname!
He laughed and proceeded with an ingenious plan to lead me to his flat. He lead me straight to his flat!
There really wasn't much of a 'tour', just a defaced old Banks, and a weird taxidermy shop. Then we were in his living room.
This is where the really clever stuff began.
The moves: He'd already kicked it off with the over familiarity, talking about the second date before the first was over, the friends I would like before I'd met them, and then there was a big corny moment when he was flicking through a travel brochure which just happened to be laid out on his coffee table. He told me to yell out 'Stop' and there would be our honeymoon.
It was the most relaxed I've ever felt on a first date. In fact I almost forgot it was, until BSSL leaned over and said the second most cliche line you can use on a first date; "I feel like I've known you forever". I sat back in his arms on the sofa giggling at whatever funny story he was telling me. Then he used the first most cliche line you can hear on any date; "You have beautiful eyes".
Next he was kissing me, and I didn't stop him, even though we were slouched on the sofa and I knew exactly where the kiss was confidently striding off to.
We spent the next 2 hours trying not to sleep together and the hour after that in his bed.
And of course because of these seemingly seamless, and clearly expert moves, It didn't feel as though I'd just slept with the guy on the first date. Nothing about Big Smile Skinny Legs felt first date.
We spooned and dozed and it was around about then that I saw them.
Now I'm a little ashamed of this, I know it's crossing a few boundaries and to any one who knows me and happens to be reading this, I promise I have never done this to you! (Fingers crossed behind my back)
Except, whenever I am in someones house for the first time I always make it a kind of... mission, to peek into the top drawer next to their bed. Like I said I'm not proud of this but I do sort of think it's a little genius. Trust me, the next time you're trying to figure out what's important to a person, go look in the place that they can reach the easiest in the middle of the night. It might be books, a torch, a stash of condoms or their wallet and keys. All I'm saying is you can learn the most about a person by snooping in this one little drawer.
My best friend for example (Not that i've looked!) keeps her TV remote in the top drawer next to her bed. I'm not saying that TV is important to her, but she just happens to be one of those freaks who is just organised enough to design a home for the TV remote. A thing which I supposed to be lost more often than... put away!
Anyway, you may hide the bits of you that you don't want people to see in this drawer, or keep your most precious possessions there, but when it comes to what's on display within easy reach of your bed, i don't know about you, but i like to have careful think before I invite people over to judge me.
So what was next to BSSL bed?
"How to talk to women"
"Effortless Small Talk"
"Get What You Want"
"How To Think Fast And Slow"
I laughed and called him out on his 'crazy', and he just shrugged it off, as I guess you might. I meanwhile tried to push the disturbing titles out of my mind, but really, how calculated was this guy?
He wanted to take me for dinner and so I set aside the books and the first worrying wonderings of whether or not I might just be an experiment.
Over burritos and beer I quizzed him on his relationship past. No monogamous relationships (ie girlfriends) for the past two years. Instead of alarm bells in my head I heard that little voice of hope. The one that since the dawn of time has argued with that age old question and left said boy 'ball busted'.
"I can change him" she said.
I still didn't let him hold my hand on the walk back to the station, which caused an all mighty eruption of laughter. Am I the only one who thinks that walking palm to palm with a lover is more intimate than sex?
He kissed me goodbye, hard, with the promise of next Sunday.
That was four Sundays ago and I am yet to see that Big Smile and those Skinny Legs.
Ok so he asked me out a couple of times, he tried, I wasn't free. But then everything went silent. My final text sitting at the bottom of the screen unanswered for over two weeks.
Sure I could pick up the phone and call, but so could he. And if he wanted to he would, wouldn't he? I mean a guy with a book entailed "Get What You Want" isn't likely to be home alone on a Friday night, sitting there staring at his iPhone, is he?
We had the best day. But even as he tried to hold my hand that second time, walking back to the station, I thought of all those books.
I thought, was I a game, a test, a theory? What had he read that would prompt such quick dating moves? Moves that frankly wouldn't look out of place in a Woody Allen movie, although my BSSL was far from socially awkward.
He had wooed me in less than 12 hours, built up a friendship, gained my trust and sold me a future. Then walked away. On to the next girl?
Big Smile Skinny Legs may have been trying out an experiment on me, but maybe that's what all this is. Trying out moves, formulas, figuring out how to make a spark. It just turned out that Big Smile Skinny Legs was all spark and no trouser.