So I took the plunge and asked 'that guy I'm seeing' out on a date. It was actually easier than I had expected! Because, lets face it, I was never going to pick up the phone and call him. So once I had hit send and squeezed my eyes tight shut it was over. The deed was done.
Less than a minute later he had replied and the date was sealed. He had said yes! He liked me too and that was that, and the sun was shining and birds were singing and all was right in the world! Now what was I going to wear?
Fast forward to the end of said date, it is early, 10pm, horribly cold, and I am stood at my front door feeling ridiculously tongue tied and actually just plain ridiculous.
This boy, this lovely boy has walked entirely in the wrong direction to deliver me back to my flat safely. Now those words hang on my lips unsaid.
"Would you like to come up?"
No instead I stared at my feet, bashful, willing him to be a little less polite and somehow for the evening to continue.
It didn't, instead the same awkward silence punctuated our goodbye, save for one deliciously long kiss.
As I closed the door onto our first 'awkward date', and the first of which I had asked him, I let out a huge irritated tumbling sigh.
What was wrong with me? It's not like this was a new routine or a first encounter. And he wasn't the first guy that I had liked.
But that was just it. He wasn't the first guy I had liked. And whilst I liked him now I knew all too well, the ugliness that could be brewing behind his lovely blue eyes, and the hurt that we were both capable of.
The truth is this stuff doesn't get easier the older and wiser we become. Now everyone has an ex and a past and a number. Nothing is fresh and, no one is naive, and we have all been a little hurt.
But It was not only the fear of getting hurt that had held my tongue. An inward battle had been bubbling up that evening.
One part of me pulling in the direction to laugh boldly at his jokes, bat my lids, and be my nicest self. Which I usually reserved for blue eyed dates such as these.
The other part, timid and holding back, stifling conversation and making me to tense up every time he reached for my hand.
Do people ever say the phrase 'it's complicated'? Do you usually roll your eyes and think 'sure it is. What a difficult life you must lead'...
Well no, really this time, it is.
You see my question to myself, which I was trying to riddle my way through at the very moment my date was exploring my mouth on my doorstep (asking his own way into my flat, no words required), was;
Do I like this guy and am I just scared of getting hurt so I am holding back? Or am I holding back because I don't like this person enough and so I do not want to be the one to hurt him? But then perhaps he doesn't like me after all and so worrying over hurt feelings is fruitless? But then again, his tongue is in my mouth, and his hand does seem to be hovering down to my bottom...
I told you. Complicated.
But really what is this fight and this constant questioning that we are putting ourselves through? What is it for?
A good friend of mine has a saying, actually she has many. she loves a good saying and gleefully busts them out at any given opportunity:
'If he's going to cheat on you, he'll cheat.'
'Someone's got to get hurt.'
'You can't make someone love you.'
But on this occasion she said to me: "If a guy likes you, he likes you."
Admittedly none of her sayings are that grand, but all of them make perfect sense and basically say, 'Stop over thinking this you IDIOT!'
I put a lot of time and effort into coming across as a sane, rational, cool headed woman in the know. But most of this achieved by over thinking!
When I got up to my bedroom, alone, I texted him. I know. But I caved and really I was quite tipsy. I said I had wanted him to stay but couldn't find the words and that I was scared he would only say yes because he felt like he should.
He replied less than a minute later.
It wasn't the 'I'm on my way back' text I was holding back taking off my make up for, but it was still good.
"I would have said yes because I wanted to say yes."
Because it really is that simple.