My Non Year Resolutions

It is New Years Eve and it is raining and without sounding too pompous, pessimistic or like a down right eaves dropper, I've just over heard the following sentence in a coffee shop: "It is always exciting, New Years Eve, you feel like it will be a fresh start!" 


It is pointless to believe or even hope in the world around us changing at the stroke of midnight. It is even more hopeless for me to think that I will have even a smidge of will power, and be able to change, just because I put a new calendar on the wall.

One thing is certain on the 1st of January, I will not suddenly crave rice crackers and celery, and switch from builders to green. Instead in my hungover state I will possibly order takeaway and add an extra sugar to my tea, telling myself my body needs the glucose to recover. I will then hang my head over a toilet and hate myself. I will also not learn my lesson and repeat this next year too.

Change happens gradually and inevitably, so instead of beating yourself up on the 2nd for having broken all your resolutions, why not decide on the 1st what you plan NOT to change in the year ahead. 

What are you proud of and what is simply out of your control so you might as well 'own' and just say 'Fuck it'. 

1) I will not stop fantasising about every single guy on the tube with a leather jacket, paper back novel, and no time to shave. 

2) I will not stop wearing my reading glasses when in pressured situations where I hope to put across the delusion that I am 'smart'. Even though I am not reading and actually find it pretty tricky to walk in a straight line with said glasses on... Smart but with a tragic drinking habit perhaps?

3) I will not stop thinking of not brushing my teeth after a night out as a 'special treat'. (Possibly I am sharing too much here but come on, you can't say you don't sometimes let yourself off too!) 
4) I will not stop buying expensive coffee even though I have a new expensive flask bought for me this Christmas. There is just never enough time in the morning to both put on mascara and prepare as if going on fishing trip!

Similarly I feel that women who arrive at work in the morning both having had breakfast and applied a full face of make up must seriously have their shit together. These women intimidate me and are probably also the types of humans who write 'to do' lists and then actually do them! Possibly even without cheating and writing on tasks which they've already completed just so they have SOMETHING to put a line through. (I shan't stop doing this either)  

5) I will not stop dunking Gingerbread biscuits into Orange Squash! It's delicious. Try it.

 6) I will not stop inventing and obsessing over seemingly ridiculous 'Texting Rules'. These rules are inevitably put into place when first and early contact is made with possible suitors and life partners.

They include but are not limited to:

- Never double text! Ever!
- Only ever match the same amount of kisses (x) to that which you have received. 
- Try to wait at least 20 minutes before replying to a first text message or first text message within 1 hour gap between texting flow. 
- Never text on the hour exactly, this may appear overly planned (God forbid).

7) I know that I have no possible way to avoid those embarrassing moments that have greeted me throughout 2013. Moments in which I have looked at my life and thought, why!? Most recent and spectacular of which struck on my first day in my new job. 

I'd chosen a gorgeous black jump suit to wear on my first day. I'd spent most of my morning deciding on the 'first day outfit' before rushing out without breakfast or a flask. I'd popped to the loo before my boss had arrived but what I hadn't realised was the toilet door had a special knack to locking. I sat on the toilet of course topless, because I was wearing a strappy jumpsuit and I don't own a strapless bra, because I'm just not that sort of girl. 

Suddenly light poured into the cubical and my female boss, whom I had yet to meet properly and fully clothed, stood before me. 

The worst part was that in my dismay as the door was hurriedly slammed closed my brain hadn't worked out that I should possibly just apologise. Instead I shouted; 

"Oh, I don't usually wee in the nude!" 

Happy New Year everyone. Don't go changing!