My Mother the MILF

There was once a time when my Mum was flat chested, shopped in Marks and Spencer, and had a nose verging on the Jewish side. (I feel I can say this as my own snoz is undisputedly of the Jewish persuasion – I blame my Nan… We all do.)

Now my Mother has a bust which rivals Jordan’s, a dainty little button nose and owns what she likes to call ‘Doctor’s knickers’. A special horde of lingerie designed for moments when her more recent underwear of choice, the dental floss collection, seems inappropriate.

On a recent family sailing holiday (Yep it’s middle class, make your jokes now) I had to spend the majority of my time glancing over at my Mum in a florescent thong tying on fenders and tidying shore lines and thinking ‘Oh god, those are my mother’s butt cheeks… I hope she doesn’t get thrush…’

No child should ever have to witness this!

But you know what? My Mother’s a MILF!

If ever there was a 50 something year old woman who could carry off a thong it’s my Mother!

Really. We go to bars and clubs and it’s not my scantily clad arse that guys are checking out. A personal trainer and serial moisturiser my Mum has never looked ‘mumsy’. Infact half the time I can safely say I’m jealous of her long toned aerobically influenced body and perfect nose. And I do believe that if you’ve got ‘it’ and you want to flaunt ‘it’, why the hell shouldn’t you whether you’ve sporned the miracle of life or not!

But sometimes she gets it wrong. So wrong…

Have you ever been sat across from your Mother and noticed that her nipple is peeking out from her top? Perhaps its an innocently low gaping top or an oblivious overly exaggerated yawn?

Well how about you’re sitting in the garden with your boyfriend when your Mother walks out of the French Doors wearing nothing but a silver string bikini shielded by a full body skin-tight lace… sex outfit?! The poor guy didn’t know where to advert his gaze, although I’m sure I know exactly where he wanted to look… Needless to say we broke up.

“How about this for a beach cover-up? I saw a model wearing one on TV!”

She says standing there wearing the ‘sex outfit’, not a ‘beach cover-up’.

YEAH I BET YOU DID, MUM, IF YOU WERE WATCHING ‘BABE STATION’?
They’re not exactly models by the way, more… visual aids…

And she had no clue!

OK, Perhaps turning into my Mother isn’t the worst thing in the world. No I’m not saying I want to one day be thought of as a MILF, strutting into gardens and onto boats in full body black lace… But hey, the woman is beautiful, if a little naive to the way in which she displays it. The bottom line is I’m glad that she doesn’t conform to the idea that you can be too old to wear a certain style, height of heel, or length of skirt or even a lack of underwear.

Sometimes we forget as children that our parents are people first. People with as much of an image complex, shopping addiction, and need to feel good as we struggle with every day.

I think all you can and should do is offer guidance when these moment arise.

Thankfully I managed to talk her out of the sex outfit bikini combo and took on damage control regarding the rest of her luggage. Somehow however, the day glow thong collection, escaped my control…